“Just a matter of survival.”

Doc upped my dose. 300 to 450. He gave the impression that it was a miracle I came this far on 300 since most (read, I’m assuming 90-95%) of patients do not respond to that dose. He’s hoping that this will at the very least stabilize me. He isn’t one for medication cocktails, but I have a feeling if this doesn’t work, I’ll be an ‘alcoholic’ again. 😉 If this dose doesn’t work, he’ll have to talk with my cardiologist because the next line of defense throws up major red flags with the heart medication I’m on.

Cannot go up to that new dose until Saturday.

I’m really hedging my bets right now. Hoping just popping that additional 150mg pill will actually help.

It’s become a matter of gritting my teeth, zoning out on purpose, and just letting the thoughts come and go as they please. Literally, just a matter of survival.

This may become a kind of live journal. Right now, as I type this, I’m so down that my head hurts and it feels like there’s a pressure on the top of my head and my left cheek bone. Familiar feeling… I can kinda tell my eyes are “empty”.

To the well-wishers, thanks. I’m okay, at least in the sense of not doing anything too stupid. Turned to comfort food and yet still losing/maintaining weight somehow. Haven’t ridden in 2-3 weeks, zero motivation to.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

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