Day 1: Good Start

Weight: 216.4 lbs (98.2 kg)
Ride Time: 1h
Distance: 14.7 mi (~23.7km)

Not bad considering I hadn’t ridden in nearly 2 months. My legs remembered, but my butt had total amnesia. Had to keep adjusting to find the ride position. Once there though, it was comfortable.

Starting from the beginning of the program. I think it’d be suicide to start where I left off. Felt good riding. Feel good post-ride. Relaxing and waiting for the oven to heat up so I can cook up some salmon! 😀

Only have a few doses of Wellbutrin left. I think four, including tomorrow. Nervous, but excited. I really hope this works out.

Looking for some stationary that’s lined that cooperates with the spacing of my typewriters. The Princess has a 1.5 spacing of 6.5mm — and they make stationary that has lines spaced like that. 🙂 Taken a liking to typing on lined paper. Not sure why. Might buy a ream of A/B 5/6 paper and just print my own so I can really customize the line spacing.

Oh! Oven buzzed! ^.^

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

Weekly Update

Okay, yeah. In short: these last weeks (months?) has been a nightmare. But moving on. I’ve told my psychiatrist to bugger off and I’m weaning off of the Wellbutrin. Going to set up regular appointments with my old psychologist to see if just talking will help. The guy that I thought was helping just decided to all-out ignore a major issue (anxiety/stress) and focus on the major depression diagnosis.

Anycase…

That’s the past.

On to the update.

I haven’t been cycling. Though, I suppose that might have been obvious with the above statement and the absence of posts. On the whole, nothing really hasn’t happened except I’ve found out I greatly (greatly!) love birding. Just ordered my first pair of binoculars not but a few minutes ago. 😀

I’ve also found out I’ve developed an intolerance/allergy to lactose. The most interesting side-effect that cued us to this is a runny nose after having something with dairy in it. Straight cheese? Runny nose. Straight milk? Runny nose. Greek yogurt? Takes a bit, but runny nose. I had Kefir today which is 99% lactose free as part of my breakfast. Still no signs of issues or sniffling. No lactose intake so far today and I’m fine.

On the whole, I’ve been able to maintain through the lack of cycling. I’ve gained back a few of the pounds, as you might notice in the break down to follow, but the overall composition has remained the same. 😀

Weight: 218.4 lbs
Fat Percentage: 24.1%
Ratio (Muscle:Fat): 3.15 to 1

My goal has remained the same: get down to 10-15% fat. With how it stands currently…

Muscle: 165.8 lbs
10-15% Range: 182.4 – 190.7 lbs
Loss Range: 27.7 – 36 lbs

I’m going to aim right in the middle at 12.5% which would give a loss goal of 31.9 pounds come the end of the period. The period is the same at 12 weeks, or 3 months. This is the inspiring bit… In 12 weeks, there are 84 days. Each day, I’d only have to lose just over a third of a single pound of fat! Over the course of a week, the goal would be 2.7 pounds. Well within healthy bounds. 😀

Let’s hope I can keep up with it this time.

Feel like I’ve got to build up over time… Still no scanner. Typewriters in pieces still. I’m not kidding when I say these last weeks have been utter shit. Dunno where the time went. Only just today did I take out a typewriter again and fiddle with it for a bit. So… slowly starting to feel better again.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

Weekly Update

Weight: 211.4
Fat: 24.2

I’m a smidge worried now… In the last two days, I’ve lost over four pounds in weight. I’ve had a stomach issue the last few days, starting Saturday evening. Feeling better, at least. I keep getting cold sweats and hot flashes. My right jaw is painful now too.

This has to be the meds. I dunno…

My appointment is tomorrow.

On a completely different note, someone keyed my car strong enough to go clean to the metal. Here’s the kicker. I haven’t driven my car since the 25th of June. My anxiety has been that bad. In the time since my last appointment, I’ve not been out once by myself and only three times, if I recall correctly.

On the 25th of June, I had my doctor’s appointment. When I left, it wasn’t there. I’m confident about that. When I came home, it wasn’t there either. If I haven’t exposed my car to an area that could cause that kind of damage… that really only leaves one thought: someone in the neighborhood did it. That isn’t very pleasant to think about. She’s the cover on her now. I should have had the cover on all along, but I couldn’t get myself out the door to do it.

But, we’ll see if I can make it to the doc tomorrow. It seems to be very hit or miss weither the medication decides to work.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

Re: Side Effects

It’s stopped working. Getting really tired of this. :-/ Anxiety is so damn high, I haven’t gone outside alone with the exception of being in the backyard. Last time I went into town by myself was the last appointment. The most recent time since that was yesterday or Thursday and that was only because my partner was driving. That’d be a week of being no where but the house.

It hasn’t been this bad in months. I couldn’t even get out the door to buy bloody groceries.

I’ve also started taking Advil on a near daily basis to combat the headaches induced by the increased (now seemingly pointless) dose. At least it’s only one pill an hour or two — or longer if I can stand it — after taking the med. By time the Advil wears off, the headache is gone. Same spot every time. Back right-hand side.

Got an appointment on Tuesday. Told the doc it was working when I moved it from last Thursday. And it was. It really felt like it was working. But now, not so much.

What I dislike is when I recognize things. I wouldn’t be so angry at myself if I was blissfully unaware and/or ignorant. But when I recognize I’m being paranoiac? Or when I recognize that, oh hey, that thing I’m seeing isn’t real? Or that I’m simply not being myself?

My brain feels like it is on overload yet there’s nothing overloading it. It’s like its stuck on a feedback loop so my brain is just overloading itself. It feels like, sometimes, I’m losing the ability to do really simple things. Or I’ll forget things. Or won’t notice something.

Last night, I swear I kept waking up every one or two hours. My dreams were either bizarre or frightening.

This med is f-ing with my head. I know it. None of this started until the increased dose. Unless I’m just going down hill so quickly that the med can’t compensate, I don’t see any other alternative.

I’m getting so frustrated with this. I’m maintaining enough self-control to do nothing stupid, but my finances are a wreck due to this. I shredded my AMEX yesterday and locked up my Discover card. It’s out of control.

Aggression is up, but under control… barely.

Sick of this. This isn’t me.

Until later, be sane and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S. Happy Fourth, to those State-side.

P.P.S. At this point, the blog is a journal to keep track of things. I’m sorry for the derailment, but I want data and this is the easiest way. Thank y’all for understanding.

“Results May Vary, Side Effects May (Not) Occur”

Well, at least my following is still here. 😀 Nice to see the turn out for the last post.

I think this medication’s ugly side is finally making itself known. Well, at least, I’m starting to recognize it.

Really beginning to wonder if I’ll actually experience a good night’s sleep at this dose.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do sleep. …eventually. But that’s after having to stay up until I’m about to pass out. Prior to that, my legs don’t seem to want to stop needing to be moved. During that, my mind won’t, as they say, “STFU.” I’m starting to get anxiety attacks just from trying to go to bed due me wondering/worrying if I’ll get my partner up all night.

Moods… come and go. Depression… comes and goes. Anxiety… not going away in the least. Aggression… well, if anything, that seems to be getting worse. Snippiness… that falls in line with “Aggression”. Motivation… it’s increased, so there’s a plus. Haven’t gotten on my bike again, but doing things in general.

Really am wondering if this med is doing that much good at all. Sure, sure, it’s keeping me relatively stable, but at what cost?

The follow-up is in two days. I guess we’ll see if it settles in a bit more.

Haha… who knew you’d get anxiety from wondering if a med will work?

Despite having motivation to do things, it’s to experience boredom in unison. Two contradictory feelings (?) coexisting. I believe this mixture is leading to what is actually happening right now: I’m spacing out. Horribly. Actually getting a mild headache.

Frustrating.

On a different note, I use a DE (double edge) razor. I used to use a straight razor, but I fell out of using that for one reason or another. I’m ordering more supplies from my supplier (that sounds so wrong!) and with a certain amount ordered, you get a free subscription to “Details” magazine.

I’m familiar with the name, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. So, I look them up and lo-and-behold… Their content is basically heterosexualist and homophobic in nature. Huh…

So, now I’m in a conundrum.

Order my supplies from them, who apparently support this magazine, and just add a note at the bottom telling them to bugger off about it. Or… Not order from them at all due to their association.

This is unfortunate, really. I really like this supplier. Very friendly, though… I must admit their service responses can be a bit haughty and pompous. Screwy people thought that when I said I shaved in the shower, I didn’t use a mirror — even though they themselves sell mirror for this use. :-/

Anyway.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

 

Weekly Update + Rant

Weight: 214.6
Fat %: 24.3

Had a full small pizza with ham, chicken and spinach to myself in one sitting plus two lava cakes. Not sure how I lost weight from the day before, but it happened.

Today’ll be the third day on the increased doseage.

Starting to feel its effects.

Was a bit worried the first day because I had heart pains (not “chest” pains) occasionally and felt a bit odd physically. Second day, nothing really of the sort. I can tell it is trying to help/work. The depression is lessening but it pops back in full force like a moodswing would for maybe a thirty minutes to an hour then fades away again. It isn’t a moodswing. Bizarre feeling.

Actually feel motivated to do chores again. Got the first load of laundry going with a second planned for our current bed quilt. Put away the clean clothes that were ignored last night. Still feeling a high amount of anxiety about going outside, even if I do need to go shopping for breakfast foods.

Got two quilts made. One is wall hanging size and the other is securely within the realm of being a mini-quilt at 8″ square. The larger one is called “Piecing It Together: Depression” and the second is “Help Me, not Pacify Me”. Neither used patterns, just sat down and sewed. They need labels and sleeves now. Have another quilt planned/idea for the remaining fabric from the larger one. A variation of the disappearing nine-patch. Going to be calling this one “On a Good Day”.

On a different note, I made my partner a loaf of gluten free bread the other day. From scratch! 🙂 Turned out well. But it needs to be eaten within a few days — which isn’t unusual for this kind of bread. First loaf I’ve ever made. Rather encouraging.

\begin{rant}

Oh… and I suppose I should say that yes… we were absolutely ecstatic upon hearing the US Supreme Court’s ruling to recognize/allow same-gender marriages. Of course, there will be a firestorm. Idiots. The lot of them. I’ve zero tolerance for bigots. (Not a good idea to put me in a room with one…)

As my partner puts it. Why not allow it? It’s a bloody cash cow! Marriages aren’t cheap. Even if you just get a civil union at the local court. There’s potential income to tons of people that, due to religion and old outdated beliefs, people are losing out on. Want to talk about job creation?

Oh! And what about the flip side?

What about when they start getting divorces?

Homosexual couples aren’t perfect — just like heterosexual couples. (However, I can argue that, to some degree, homosexual couples tend to be more open and caring… At least from my observations.) I can’t remember the last time I didn’t hear about a heterosexual couple getting a divorce or being absolutely miserable. Undoubtedly, couples will need divorce services too! Even more income…

Odd way to look at it, but it’s true, isn’t it?

I suppose it’s similar to how I look at us as a whole: we’re one of Nature’s built in population limiters. We can’t breed — at least not in a fun way. 😉 Though our percentage of the overall world population might be small, if you were to do a running summation of the population with that percentage removed? Want to talk about over population? xD

\end{rant}

Maybe the higher dose is working… Back on my usual long posts with rants. 😉

No promises about typewriter stuff yet. As far as I’m concerned what is happening now could easily just be a high. Feels like one, honestly. But we’ll see, eh?

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

“Just a matter of survival.”

Doc upped my dose. 300 to 450. He gave the impression that it was a miracle I came this far on 300 since most (read, I’m assuming 90-95%) of patients do not respond to that dose. He’s hoping that this will at the very least stabilize me. He isn’t one for medication cocktails, but I have a feeling if this doesn’t work, I’ll be an ‘alcoholic’ again. 😉 If this dose doesn’t work, he’ll have to talk with my cardiologist because the next line of defense throws up major red flags with the heart medication I’m on.

Cannot go up to that new dose until Saturday.

I’m really hedging my bets right now. Hoping just popping that additional 150mg pill will actually help.

It’s become a matter of gritting my teeth, zoning out on purpose, and just letting the thoughts come and go as they please. Literally, just a matter of survival.

This may become a kind of live journal. Right now, as I type this, I’m so down that my head hurts and it feels like there’s a pressure on the top of my head and my left cheek bone. Familiar feeling… I can kinda tell my eyes are “empty”.

To the well-wishers, thanks. I’m okay, at least in the sense of not doing anything too stupid. Turned to comfort food and yet still losing/maintaining weight somehow. Haven’t ridden in 2-3 weeks, zero motivation to.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae