Re: Side Effects

It’s stopped working. Getting really tired of this. :-/ Anxiety is so damn high, I haven’t gone outside alone with the exception of being in the backyard. Last time I went into town by myself was the last appointment. The most recent time since that was yesterday or Thursday and that was only because my partner was driving. That’d be a week of being no where but the house.

It hasn’t been this bad in months. I couldn’t even get out the door to buy bloody groceries.

I’ve also started taking Advil on a near daily basis to combat the headaches induced by the increased (now seemingly pointless) dose. At least it’s only one pill an hour or two — or longer if I can stand it — after taking the med. By time the Advil wears off, the headache is gone. Same spot every time. Back right-hand side.

Got an appointment on Tuesday. Told the doc it was working when I moved it from last Thursday. And it was. It really felt like it was working. But now, not so much.

What I dislike is when I recognize things. I wouldn’t be so angry at myself if I was blissfully unaware and/or ignorant. But when I recognize I’m being paranoiac? Or when I recognize that, oh hey, that thing I’m seeing isn’t real? Or that I’m simply not being myself?

My brain feels like it is on overload yet there’s nothing overloading it. It’s like its stuck on a feedback loop so my brain is just overloading itself. It feels like, sometimes, I’m losing the ability to do really simple things. Or I’ll forget things. Or won’t notice something.

Last night, I swear I kept waking up every one or two hours. My dreams were either bizarre or frightening.

This med is f-ing with my head. I know it. None of this started until the increased dose. Unless I’m just going down hill so quickly that the med can’t compensate, I don’t see any other alternative.

I’m getting so frustrated with this. I’m maintaining enough self-control to do nothing stupid, but my finances are a wreck due to this. I shredded my AMEX yesterday and locked up my Discover card. It’s out of control.

Aggression is up, but under control… barely.

Sick of this. This isn’t me.

Until later, be sane and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S. Happy Fourth, to those State-side.

P.P.S. At this point, the blog is a journal to keep track of things. I’m sorry for the derailment, but I want data and this is the easiest way. Thank y’all for understanding.

Gender Dysphoria (A Rant)

You know… I guess it’s time for some confession time. A little bit of more of a history of me. I’m not sure if I’ve ever come out about this, but I feel like it bares repeating because honestly, this is probably one of the things that could hound me to my death — suicide or just from psychological stresses manifesting into the physical realm.

Does anyone know what gender dysphoria means? *waits* Anyone?

Well, maybe a more trendy term y’all might know — that isn’t nearly as scientific — is  transgender. The latter term has transformed over the ages in meaning. Sometimes it’s a noun and sometimes it’s an adjective and yet other times, depending on how it is used, suddenly it is an insult even if you mean it in all the best in the world.

So, I stick with gender dysphoria unless I absolutely know the person — like my partner… I use transgender with him because he uses the term himself.

I’m sorry, but this is going to be a major rant… A heads up here. I just need to vent and get this stuff off my chest.

Gender dysphoria also is known by another name: Gender Identity Disorder. Now, honestly that is an insult. There is nothing wrong with us! How dare anyone say that just because we don’t like the bodies we were assigned at birth (dysphoria = discontent, for those who don’t know), doesn’t mean something is wrong with us. It isn’t our bloody fault we were born a boy or a girl when our minds tell us we should be the opposite in every rotten way.

Well, now you know.

I suffer from this.

Not officially diagnosed. I doubt I ever will be. It isn’t a kink. I’ve just given into the facts — the truth. No amount of corrective surgeries will ever correct this grotesque male form. Sure, I get hit on a lot. Sure, I get flirted with until I’m so red in the cheeks that I need ice. But why should I care when I’m not comfortable with my own body? They are flirting with a male bodied person. That is what they’re interested in. That is what they want.

God! How I wish I could just strip off this shell and toss it aside like some cruel cocoon.

I am so sick and bloody tired of “because you’re a guy.”

“You’re a guy, you should enjoy getting dirty.”

“You’re a guy, you should enjoy working on cars.”

“You’re a guy, you should drive a pickup.”

“You’re a guy, you should marry a girl and breed.”

“You’re a guy, you should be proficient with tools.”

“You’re a guy, you should have all the answers when a gal asks you a question.”

“You’re a guy, you should be a leader, not a follower.”

“You’re a guy…”

JUST SHUT IT ALREADY! *sighs deeply*

Okay, okay, I’m alright… happy place, happy place…

Weight loss… heh… Y’all want to know my true motive behind it? It’s pretty rotten. Entirely vain really. Health is entirely secondary because if you don’t enjoy your life, then what’s the point of being healthy? To live a long, miserable existence of just passing the days?

My motive is to become thinner. To try to obtain a body that will allow me to dress more androgynously. To maybe, just maybe enjoy going outside and maybe, just maybe enjoy what I’ve been ever so erroneously given. I’ve got to make do with what I’ve got.

Well, I’ll probably lose followers with this post. Y’all’s issue, not mine. Whoever does stay, thank you for understanding and, by default, showing your support. I really do value it. I don’t blog for income. I do it to share.

Until later, be safe, be dry, and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S.: I suppose I should mention, before anyone thinks it, that all those heart issues, etc are legit. Those issues are the reason why I can’t really move forward with anything. Any treatments (hormone replacement therapy, etc) can cause pretty nasty cardiac side-effects which for me could/would be life threatening. I hate my body, but I love my partner more. He’s one of the few things keeping me sane.

Predictions Come True

Well, it seems as though I was right.

Southpaw, the gloss Olympia SM3, is out of commission. When I was typing yesterday, I noticed she felt off. I’ll have to tend to her. I couldn’t even get through typing out today’s date in the corner: Thu 6-11. The ‘L’ key sticks. I guess out comes the mineral oil, metal cleaner, and compressed air, aye? I’ll clean the rest of her up in the process. She deserves it. 😀

In the mean time, I thought I could use the SM3 that I bought for parts. Well, come to find out, I hadn’t cleaned him up! The typeface is clogged in all the usual spots and it needs some TLC in some places as well. Guess I had just used him as a model to take apart and put back together… So, now I have 2 SM3’s to tend to over the next few days!

Add to it that one Skyriter is in parts, still, and I possess no Skyriter ribbons?

I am lacking very much, currently, in terms of planning in the typewriter department!

Speaking of the Skyriter in parts. The weather has taken a better turn — at least for now. I may try to finish up the darn thing between today and Saturday or so. It just needs a few more things and then it’ll be done. I’ll buy a few Skyriter ribbons too!

Anycase, this isn’t what I wanted to talk about today.

I’ve come to the conclusion that until I’ve figured out my diet, I’m not going to proceed with the more hardcore weeks. This throws off a lot of things — timing especially — but I am very worried about continuously losing muscle. That simply isn’t good. I will continue to cycle, but I’ll continue to do so at the intensity of week 6, which is an upped ‘rest’ week.

My diet is all kinds of messed up. It is perfectly fine, yes. But in terms of keeping/maintaining or aiding in the growth of muscle? Forget about it. It works as fuel and little more. And that could be the reason why I’m having issues on the bike recently.

This morning, I woke up at 6:44, 7:2-, then 8:2-. That last time I got up, but honestly I feel like I could have fallen right back to sleep. I did zero cycling yesterday so to me that it is a huge red flag that something’s up.

I put some weight back on, so I need to be careful… I don’t know if it is muscle or fat since I don’t do the fat analyzer until Monday. I’m going to keep to that.

Off and on, my calves hurt yesterday too…

Shakes are an easy way out, but I might take it for now.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S. I need to update my typewriter database profile… Some of the typewriters I’ve owned aren’t on there. I’ll get pictures up at least then, once the ribbon(s) come in, type samples. What is missing are the new SM3, the old Skyriter I no longer own, and the 2 new Skyriters. Once the Princess arrives, that’ll need to go on too. Good grief… Haha! Just a bit behind…