Re: Side Effects

It’s stopped working. Getting really tired of this. :-/ Anxiety is so damn high, I haven’t gone outside alone with the exception of being in the backyard. Last time I went into town by myself was the last appointment. The most recent time since that was yesterday or Thursday and that was only because my partner was driving. That’d be a week of being no where but the house.

It hasn’t been this bad in months. I couldn’t even get out the door to buy bloody groceries.

I’ve also started taking Advil on a near daily basis to combat the headaches induced by the increased (now seemingly pointless) dose. At least it’s only one pill an hour or two — or longer if I can stand it — after taking the med. By time the Advil wears off, the headache is gone. Same spot every time. Back right-hand side.

Got an appointment on Tuesday. Told the doc it was working when I moved it from last Thursday. And it was. It really felt like it was working. But now, not so much.

What I dislike is when I recognize things. I wouldn’t be so angry at myself if I was blissfully unaware and/or ignorant. But when I recognize I’m being paranoiac? Or when I recognize that, oh hey, that thing I’m seeing isn’t real? Or that I’m simply not being myself?

My brain feels like it is on overload yet there’s nothing overloading it. It’s like its stuck on a feedback loop so my brain is just overloading itself. It feels like, sometimes, I’m losing the ability to do really simple things. Or I’ll forget things. Or won’t notice something.

Last night, I swear I kept waking up every one or two hours. My dreams were either bizarre or frightening.

This med is f-ing with my head. I know it. None of this started until the increased dose. Unless I’m just going down hill so quickly that the med can’t compensate, I don’t see any other alternative.

I’m getting so frustrated with this. I’m maintaining enough self-control to do nothing stupid, but my finances are a wreck due to this. I shredded my AMEX yesterday and locked up my Discover card. It’s out of control.

Aggression is up, but under control… barely.

Sick of this. This isn’t me.

Until later, be sane and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S. Happy Fourth, to those State-side.

P.P.S. At this point, the blog is a journal to keep track of things. I’m sorry for the derailment, but I want data and this is the easiest way. Thank y’all for understanding.

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Being Told Who/What You Are/Aren’t

This is an utterly lovely experience, isn’t it? You being told who or what you are or aren’t by someone else who, clearly, must know you better than yourself.

Often times, I find this crime against humanity is perpetrated by a class of citizens — if these mangy mongrel pups can be called such — known at hypocrites. Now, I say “class” because they are a group unto their own. They have their own set of rules that they follow which society at large does not and have logic which is egregiously erroneous at all turns.

Their strict adherence to their codified falsehoods presents them with every opportunity to demean others — even their own kind. Often their attack begins with something that, at their peak of brilliance, contradicts something within themselves. In other words, they say someone is something in a way that implies that they themselves are not when in fact they are.

Their prudish behavior is based upon human psychology,  though I will never give them the benefit of the doubt that they know what they are doing. Their aggressions are timed in such a way that the victim is left in a state of mental unrest and therefore incapable of adequately clear thought. Their victim, then, plummets into a state of agitation once the realization has been made that what has occurred is contradictory in nature. That agitation then throws the victim back into the fog of mental unrest but with the added ‘benefit’ of cyclical, vengeful disdain.

Ultimately, the reason behind their actions is to bring unto themselves a state of euphoria.

In times of an attack, there is little a person can do beside remain weary and conscious of efforts of these kinds of things. But that would be tiresome and, I would imagine, lead to some degree of paranoia. The favored reaction is the anti-reaction.

This anti-reaction is one that the hypocrite does not anticipate and is not allowed within their codex. They do not know how to handle such a reaction and thus causes them to become confused. Then within that confusion, they are open to a counter attack.

They do not expect acceptance of their accusations.

Now, of course, such acceptance is dangerous as then the victim must have irrefutable evidence as their, shall we say, ‘ace up their sleeve’. However, with this evidence in hand, the victim may fain — bluff — in an effort to unmask the gruesome, grotesque hyena behind the guise of a fellow human being.

If the counter attack is successful, the outcome is often in the form of a stage comedy where the hypocrite sudden lets loose a barrage of practiced and/or improved excuses, reasons, or otherwise theoretical facts that show that they are not part of this infamous class of individual.

Today, I was assaulted by such an individual. I was accused of “not even trying.” This statement, at its base, is so far from the truth that it is hilarious. I won’t go into the details, but I will just say that their attempts were fruitless and through their attempts to cover up their failure, this individual’s class-nature came through: to smooth it over by shows of friendliness.

Ay, mis amigos, do not let yourselves fall into these creatures grasps! For each and every one of you are far better than these villanos intocables.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S.: There will be a rather large update soon in regards to the Princess 300 that I ended up doing a ton of work on. I ended up getting help from a fellow typist that y’all might know. 😀

The “Experiment” of Eating Healthy

Fri 4-24.1

Fri 4-24.2

(The recipe above is really a kind of baseline. One thing I forgot — since I don’t often cook veggies this way — is how much they shrink. So, I’ll probably end up doubling the ingredients and add some more tasty things! The powders will go and their real counterparts will replace them [one clove per and use sweet onion]. Might add mushrooms.)