“Results May Vary, Side Effects May (Not) Occur”

Well, at least my following is still here. ūüėÄ Nice to see the turn out for the last post.

I think this medication’s ugly side is finally making itself known. Well, at least, I’m starting to recognize it.

Really beginning to wonder if I’ll actually experience a good night’s sleep at this dose.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do sleep. …eventually. But that’s after having to stay up until I’m about to pass out. Prior to that, my legs don’t seem to want to stop needing to be moved. During that, my mind won’t, as they say, “STFU.” I’m starting to get anxiety attacks just from trying to go to bed due me wondering/worrying if I’ll get my partner up all night.

Moods… come and go. Depression… comes and goes. Anxiety… not going away in the least. Aggression… well, if anything, that seems to be getting worse. Snippiness… that falls in line with “Aggression”. Motivation… it’s increased, so there’s a plus. Haven’t gotten on my bike again, but doing things in general.

Really am wondering if this med is doing that much good at all. Sure, sure, it’s keeping me relatively stable, but at what cost?

The follow-up is in two days. I guess we’ll see if it settles in a bit more.

Haha… who knew you’d get anxiety from wondering if a med will work?

Despite having motivation to do things, it’s to experience boredom in unison. Two contradictory feelings (?) coexisting. I believe this mixture is leading to what is actually happening right now: I’m spacing out. Horribly. Actually getting a mild headache.

Frustrating.

On a different note, I use a DE (double edge) razor. I used to use a straight razor, but I fell out of using that for one reason or another. I’m ordering more supplies from my supplier (that sounds so wrong!) and with a certain amount ordered, you get a free subscription to “Details” magazine.

I’m familiar with the name, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. So, I look them up and lo-and-behold… Their content is basically heterosexualist and homophobic in nature. Huh…

So, now I’m in a conundrum.

Order my supplies from them, who apparently support this magazine, and just add a note at the bottom telling them to bugger off about it. Or… Not order from them at all due to their association.

This is unfortunate, really. I really like this supplier. Very friendly, though… I must admit their service responses can be a bit haughty and pompous.¬†Screwy people thought that when I said I shaved in the shower, I didn’t use a mirror — even though they themselves sell mirror for this use. :-/

Anyway.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

 

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Weekly Update + Rant

Weight: 214.6
Fat %: 24.3

Had a full small pizza with ham, chicken and spinach to myself in one sitting plus two lava cakes. Not sure how I lost weight from the day before, but it happened.

Today’ll be the third day on the increased doseage.

Starting to feel its effects.

Was a bit worried the first day because I had heart pains (not “chest” pains) occasionally and felt a bit odd physically. Second day, nothing really of the sort. I can tell it is trying to help/work. The depression is lessening but it pops back in full force like a moodswing would for maybe a thirty minutes to an hour then fades away again. It isn’t a moodswing. Bizarre feeling.

Actually feel motivated to do chores again. Got the first load of laundry going with a second planned for our current bed quilt. Put away the clean clothes that were ignored last night. Still feeling a high amount of anxiety about going outside, even if I do need to go shopping for breakfast foods.

Got two quilts made. One is wall hanging size and the other is securely within the realm of being a mini-quilt at 8″ square. The larger one is called “Piecing It Together: Depression” and the second is “Help Me, not Pacify Me”. Neither used patterns, just sat down and sewed. They need labels and sleeves now. Have another quilt planned/idea for the remaining fabric from the larger one. A variation of the disappearing nine-patch. Going to be calling this one “On a Good Day”.

On a different note, I made my partner a loaf of gluten free bread the other day. From scratch! ūüôā Turned out well. But it needs to be eaten within a few days — which isn’t unusual for this kind of bread. First loaf I’ve ever made. Rather encouraging.

\begin{rant}

Oh… and I suppose I should say that yes… we were absolutely ecstatic upon hearing the US Supreme Court’s ruling to recognize/allow same-gender marriages. Of course, there will be a firestorm. Idiots. The lot of them. I’ve zero tolerance for bigots. (Not a good idea to put me in a room with one…)

As my partner puts it. Why not allow it? It’s a bloody cash cow! Marriages aren’t cheap. Even if you just get a civil union at the local court. There’s potential income to tons of people that, due to religion and old outdated beliefs, people are losing out on. Want to talk about job creation?

Oh! And what about the flip side?

What about when they start getting divorces?

Homosexual couples aren’t perfect — just like heterosexual couples. (However, I can argue that, to some degree, homosexual couples tend to be more open and caring… At least¬†from my¬†observations.)¬†I can’t remember the last time I didn’t hear about a heterosexual couple getting a divorce or being absolutely miserable. Undoubtedly, couples will need divorce services too! Even more income…

Odd way to look at it, but it’s true, isn’t it?

I suppose it’s similar to how I look at us as a whole: we’re one of Nature’s built in population limiters. We can’t breed — at least not in a fun way. ūüėȬ†Though our percentage of the overall world population might be small, if you were to do a running summation of the population with that percentage removed? Want to talk about over population? xD

\end{rant}

Maybe the higher dose is working… Back on my usual long posts with rants. ūüėČ

No promises about typewriter stuff yet. As far as I’m concerned what is happening now could easily just be a high. Feels like one, honestly. But we’ll see, eh?

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

“Just a matter of survival.”

Doc upped my dose. 300 to 450. He gave the impression that it was a miracle I came this far on 300 since most (read, I’m assuming 90-95%) of patients do not respond to that dose. He’s hoping that this will at the very least stabilize me. He isn’t one for medication cocktails, but I have a feeling if this doesn’t work, I’ll be an ‘alcoholic’ again. ūüėČ If this dose doesn’t work, he’ll have to talk with my cardiologist because the next line of defense throws up major red flags with the heart medication I’m on.

Cannot go up to that new dose until Saturday.

I’m really hedging my bets right now. Hoping just popping that additional 150mg pill will actually help.

It’s become a matter of gritting my teeth, zoning out on purpose, and just letting the thoughts come and go as they please. Literally, just a matter of survival.

This may become a kind of live journal. Right now, as I type this, I’m so down that my head hurts and it feels like there’s a pressure on the top of my head and my left cheek bone. Familiar feeling… I can kinda tell my eyes are “empty”.

To¬†the well-wishers, thanks. I’m okay, at least in the sense of not doing anything too stupid. Turned to comfort food and yet still losing/maintaining weight somehow. Haven’t ridden in 2-3 weeks, zero motivation to.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

A Problem and a Heads Up

Alright guys. Frank time.

I believe the wellbutrin has stopped working.

God. I must sound like some drama llama. :-/ Problem this, issue that, rant here, {whatever} there.

My depression is back¬† in full swing with all the lovely trimmings. I’m honestly surprised I’m making it through this. (Let’s see how many times I close out the browser or edit.)

Your heads up:¬†I might not be posting for a bit.¬†I’ve really honestly lost motivation to do anything. I had forgotten how painful this is… I cannot wait until Wednesday. I hope my doc can help. We tried reducing the med to 150mg/day. That may have opened the door. Or it may already have been happening? I don’t know. Can’t remember. Honestly had trouble remembering today is Monday, not Tuesday.

I’m hoping to get this back under control ASAP.

This is… It’s a… bloody hell. Words. Work. Fine. Describe then. You’re a bloody writer, do it that way, right?

You’re conscious, but unable to react. You’re mentally alert, but numb and defective. There is nothing wrong with you, but somehow it hurts. You stare off into space, letting your mind wonder because that seems to be the only thing that mediates things. Thinking gives you a headache — earning myself one right now… You feel like you’re pointless, useless, nothing and feel like you can’t do anything good, right, or useful. You feel helpless, worse than a newborn child. Even when you’re taken care of, provided for, it doesn’t seem to help. Your thoughts, as hard as you try to direct them, are sporadic and meander. Despite being numb, you feel like everything agitates you and your emotions are on the ragged edge. You become disinterested.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

An Apology and an Excuse

Sorry, y’all. I literally have everything written for that “Tools of the Trade” post, but the photos are going to have to wait. My workspace has been taken over by quilt show submissions. I’ve been tasked with creating the labels for their backs and similar finishing touches. Once that is out of the way — God only know how long that’ll take!¬†— I’ll be able to take Little Miss Priss apart and get some better pictures. (Guess that name is sticking… xD LMS for short, eh?)

Have the ‘big’ doctor appointment tomorrow. The whole annual physical. Should be interesting to see the reaction. I think the last time she saw me, I weighed at least 230.

Did some looking on Writer’s Market off and on today. Still trying to go through 10 pages of results for what consumer magazines might publish my stuff. I’ve only managed to go through 2 or 3 pages and I’ve saved at most 4 or 5 magazines. Each time I started, I began to fall asleep… :-/

Wish I could just paw over my stories to an agent and be like, “Find people who’ll publish this stuff.” But it seems to me that there are no agents that deal specifically (or at all) in short stories. They always just want to handle novellas and/or¬†novels. Inconsiderate pricks, haha! I mean, it isn’t like they’re not going to get paid. Do your job, get me published for money and then you’ll get some of that money. Seems simple enough to me! But maybe I’m missing something? xD

Anyway, back to the embroidery machine.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

1959 K&K Princess 300

Fri 6-19.1 Fri 6-19.2 Fri 6-19.3P.S.: I really am extremely thankful for X Over It’s support and encouragement for helping get this typewriter up and running again. No doubt he’ll probably be getting another email or two about her! xD

EDIT:

Per request, here is a picture of the fix. ūüôā It’s what is circled in yellow. I’ll get better pictures of the fix and the filed section for the next post.

Eraser Fix

Being Told Who/What You Are/Aren’t

This is an utterly lovely experience, isn’t it? You being told who or what you are or aren’t by someone else who, clearly, must know you better than yourself.

Often times, I find this crime against humanity is perpetrated by a class of citizens —¬†if these mangy mongrel pups can be called such —¬†known at hypocrites. Now, I say “class” because they are a group unto their own. They have their own set of rules that they follow which society at large does not and¬†have logic which is egregiously¬†erroneous at all turns.

Their strict adherence to their codified falsehoods presents them with every opportunity to demean others — even their own kind. Often their attack begins with something that, at their peak of brilliance, contradicts something within themselves. In other words, they¬†say someone is something in a way that implies that they themselves are not when in fact they are.

Their prudish behavior is based upon human psychology,¬† though I will never give them the benefit of the doubt that they know what they are doing. Their aggressions are timed in such a way that the¬†victim is left in a state of mental unrest and therefore incapable of adequately clear thought. Their victim, then, plummets into a state of agitation once the realization has been made that what has occurred is contradictory in nature. That agitation then throws the victim back into the fog of mental unrest but with the added ‘benefit’ of cyclical, vengeful disdain.

Ultimately, the reason behind their actions is to bring unto themselves a state of euphoria.

In times of an attack, there is little a person can do beside remain weary and conscious of efforts of these kinds of things. But that would be tiresome and, I would imagine, lead to some degree of paranoia. The favored reaction is the anti-reaction.

This anti-reaction is one that the hypocrite does not anticipate and is not allowed within their codex. They do not know how to handle such a reaction and thus causes them to become confused. Then within that confusion, they are open to a counter attack.

They do not expect acceptance of their accusations.

Now, of course, such acceptance is dangerous as then the victim must have irrefutable evidence as their, shall we say, ‘ace up their sleeve’. However, with this evidence in hand, the victim may fain — bluff — in an effort to unmask the gruesome, grotesque hyena behind the guise of a fellow human being.

If the counter attack is successful, the outcome is often in the form of a stage comedy where the hypocrite sudden lets loose a barrage of practiced and/or improved excuses, reasons, or otherwise theoretical facts that show that they are not part of this infamous class of individual.

Today, I was assaulted by such an individual. I was accused of “not even trying.” This statement, at its base, is so far from the truth that it is hilarious. I won’t go into the details, but I will just say that their attempts were fruitless and¬†through their attempts to cover up their failure, this individual’s class-nature came through: to smooth it over by¬†shows of friendliness.

Ay, mis amigos, do not let yourselves fall into these creatures grasps! For each and every one of you are far better than these villanos intocables.

Until later, be safe and enjoy y’all’s days,

Bae

P.S.: There will be a rather large update soon in regards to the Princess 300 that I ended up doing a ton of work on. I ended up getting help from a fellow typist that y’all might know. ūüėÄ